these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
