between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
