I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
