I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
