I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
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