Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Randomize