What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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