and you said cock pushups were impossible
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Is Oprah even human
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize