"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
