We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
