don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize