I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Randomize
