3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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