if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
