Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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