don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
