Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
