tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
