genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
