the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
