I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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