I need help removing her.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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