You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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