I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
