I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
