you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
