What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
