I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
