You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
