bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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