i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Rumble strips road head = magical
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
