I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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