my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
