I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize