I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
