I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
