My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
