2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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