Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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