I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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