happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
