Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
