when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
