I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Randomize
