Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
