I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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