Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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