Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
