smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
