someone get that fucking seahorse.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
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