I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
