I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize