so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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