Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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