I met the friendliest cop last night
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
