If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
