I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I need a beard to bite.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Randomize
