Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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